Monthly Archives: November 2005

Not Dead

But not alive, either. I am finding myself more interested in the unconscious, the semi conscious, and the unaware. Not by choice- my interest, I mean. I’m talking about people- children, really- who cannot swallow, eat, move much, speak, sign, or otherwise communicate, but are still “in there”. SOme of them breathe on their own, some do not. Not every person in this state has given me the feeling that they are in there, locked into their body somehow. Some people seem merely vegetative. I don’t judge. Every patient get spoken to, warned of my intentions to wash them or turn them or put meds through their G tube. Every patient gets TV or music or videos. We dim the lights at night and turn the lights on during the day, even for those whose brain injuries have most likely rendered them centrally blind. ( This is blindness not because the eye has failed, but because the brain has been injured and cannot interpret what the eye sees. Or, perhaps, has no connection to what the eye sees.)

Some children are just as unresponsive to the world and yet still have such pesence. I have puzzled over why this is. There are the outside cues, like photos of the child when well, or at least less sick. A lot of bedsides are festooned with these heart lacerating photos. Some children’s beds are decorated with toys and stuffed animals that they seem unaware off, yet are ritually and tenderly arranged by family and nurses. But some of the children with the most stuff surrounding them are the most gone, and I do not get that mild electricity that signals someone at home.

I do not know who, or how, or why. I only know it is so.


Out of my mind

It’s really ungracious of me, I know. Everywhere, there are orphans and people whose families are truly evil. Mine is just whacko. I am so disoriented that I just flipped off the dog. She won’t pay any attention, I know. My family is visiting and they refuse to go home. Also, they want to know why I knit so much. I don’t know, to keep from speaking my mind?

The sleeve from the eco wool sweater.

Support The Bottom

That’s what it says on the bottom of the turkey roasting pan. Wouldn’t it be nice if that’s what society did? Support the bottom> Feed the hungry, clothe the cold, treat the sick, you know, all that stuff. Listen to the lonely. Smile at the tentative. Anything.

Pouting because I lost the blog again, when my laptop crashed. Hopefully, fixed soon. Currently forced to use the clunky desktop with the weird clicky keyboard and the flikerey monitor. Also, have 11 people to cook for tomorrow, and a turkey skulking in brine in the cooler. Should I wash the kitchen floor before, or after? Or both?

Is status a bitch, or am I?

Our hospital recently created a lovely web site for each unit. Pictures, profiles of the docs, the whole nice thing. There’s even a list of nearby restaurants and hotels, for family from far away. And on this site, under the smiling photos of each they list the names of our esteemed surgeons, our intensivists, dieticians, pharmacists, secretaries, physical therapists, respiratory therapists. Then there are the pictures of the nurses. We are smiling, too. Our names are not listed. We are “staff”.

Why do I care? I don’t know. Don’t I know that nurses are seen as glorified waitresses? Yeah I do. Didn’t I hope for better? I did.

A Bad Day Knitting…

is better than a good day at work. In fact, a whole lot better. I have very little tolerance for the whole knitting as spirituality thing that’s going on. I don’t begrudge any one any peace they find, but for me, it’s just yarn. I like it. It soothes me, it amuses me, and I get to have some thing to show for my time. But today, cynical ol’ me managed to eke out a life lesson from the knitting. Remember the first Turkish sock? I was thinking to have the second be different, but the same colors. But, I found I didn’t want to knit it. I didn’t like the new pattern, it didn’t have the fun 4 stitch variation of the first. I ripped back. It was going in the wrong direction. So, O started again, at the toe, and did the pattern I wanted. It is so much better. So, onward to life! Rip back when it’s wrong, stay up too late and knit when it’s right! Tomorrow: work.


Can I believe I had two nice days at work? Not crazy busy, just nice. It makes such a difference when I work with nice people. The staffer actually apologized to me when she phoned the unit to say that the secretary was sick and she had no replacement to send. A staffer, apologizing to a nurse? Never happened to me before.

Now, I have fed the dogs, the boys are at a field trip, and I am blogging. How nice life is. Last year I bought a lot of those instant firelogs, and now I am studiously burning one a night. Our 1917 house has no central heat, and we are thinking we will put a gas log with a blower in the fire place. I need to get rid of these logs, and having one flicker away every night is very pleasant. I’m also baking brownies. Nice how seamlessly my reentry into family life can be when work is pleasant.

Still knitting the EPS sweater. Just bought Knitting Way by Linda Skolnick.

Clean Laundry

…As in, I want some. I know how it works, natch, I just don’t want to do it. I just want to HAVE it. Sort of like a flat stomach, a clean house, and a balanced check book. Hmmm.

Spent the first of two days off obsessing about work, cleaning, folding, washing, with intermittent knitting. I’m doing an EPS sweater (see for all thing Zimmerman/Swansen). I think I will do the yoke as a Box the Compass from Meg’s book. In a nice dark brown of Cascade Eco Wool, from the best yarn store in the East Bay, Creative Accents. (sadly, no web site. It’s a hands on place, in San Leandro.)

In other world news, I went to Target and spent less than $50. I shall check my temperature and take two tylenol, just to be sure.